Sunday, August 29, 2010

The Worst Story Ever Told

    Dear Reader, I would like to share something very dear to my heart.  I’ve mentioned the story that Erica, Bri, and I wrote in middle school before.  I think that its beautiful awfulness needs to finally be unearthed.

    Let me set the scene.  I met Erica in seventh grade.  She wrote; other than my Young Author projects from elementary school, horrendous attempts at poetry, and childish journals, I had never gotten past the idea stage.  Erica, benign dictator that she was, took it upon herself to get me and the rest of our band of friends into storytelling.  She announced, one day, that we were all going to write a story together.  We were each supposed to pick a mythological creature to be our protagonist.  I chose a centaur, Erica a fairy, Bri a dragon, Laura a phouka, Christina a… I don’t remember what she chose, and Evelyn a good witch.  The basic plot of the story was simple: these creatures had been chosen by prophecy to retrieve the pieces of a broken amulet, which would somehow restore good to the world and defeat the evil Head Wizard (to whom we were too lazy to give a real name).

    Christina and Evelyn soon abandoned the project.  Laura continued on, but developed her own world and a far more sophisticated plotline.  This left Morgana (my centaur), Lyra (Erica’s fairy), and Kazul (Bri’s dragon) to fend off evil themselves.  Many wonderful sleepovers and countless lunch hours later, this monstrosity of fiction was the result.  I’ve corrected the punctuation and grammar, but otherwise, this is word for word what we created back then.  Every last painfully bad word.  I present: Morgana.

Chapter One
Morgana Stargazer trotted to the ancient oak tree at the edge of the meadow.  She needed to think.
    Morgana loved this meadow.  It didn’t belong to her family, and that made it even more special.  Being the eldest child of two noble ranking centaurs, Morgana could have almost anything she wanted, but she didn’t want the meadow.
    If the young centaur owned the meadow, it would end up being filled with servants and constant disorder.  For now, Morgana was content with visiting her special place that was owned by someone else.
    Usually, the meadow provided Morgana with a quiet place to read, but today, Morgana needed it for something much more important.
    As everyone knows, centaurs are very wise.  Centaurs are wonderful astrologers because they can see the future in the stars.  And lately, the future had been troubling.
    It had started as, “A centaur will be sent on a mission.”  Last night, it had been, “A noble-ranking centaur will be sent on a quest with two other creatures, one of which will be a dragon.”
    Morgana shivered at the recollection.  Centaurs were always going on quests; it was a part of life.  But with a dragon?  It would be suicide!
    Dragons were enemies of the centaurs.  They were so fierce, so crude, so large!  Morgana had heard tales of dragons larger than twenty centaurs put together!
    And the part about a noble-ranking centaur going… Morgana’s father was at a battle and would be gone for at least a year.  Her mother had to take care of Morgana’s siblings.  It was the most absurd thing the stars had foretold in ages.
    “But the stars never lie…” Morgana mused to herself.  She lowered her chestnut-colored body to the soft grass under the tree and gently stroked her tail.  Even though centaurs were some of the wisest creatures in the world, Morgana was completely puzzled about the stars’ message.

*    *    *

    “Mother, I really don’t want to do this…” Morgana sighed as she looked at her reflection in one of the many pools in the Stargazer castle.
    Flowers and ribbons had been wrapped into her tail.  Her coat and hooves had been polished.  A shirt had been sewn with gold thread (an elf technique) and sported a golden color.  It was now being worn by the disgusted Morgana.
    “Your ensemble is not yet complete, my dear,” Morgana’s mother smiled.  “You had forgotten your crown.”
    “Oh Mother,” Morgana moaned.  “Must I?”  The crown was beautiful, fashioned of pure silver with designs carved in gold.  Thirteen large diamonds circled it to represent the thirteen full moons of the year. Yes, it was very beautiful, but it was bulky and heavy and gave Morgana a headache if she wore it for more than a few minutes.
    “Yes, you must,” her mother replied.  “I’m not looking forward to this ball either, but we must do it.  With your father gone, we are not exactly doing a wonderful job ruling the centaurs.  We cannot let them rebel against us.”
    “Yes, Mother,” Morgana whispered.  For the sake of the kingdom, she would be someone entirely different from herself tonight.  She would be dainty and polite.  She wouldn’t sneak off her crown when no one was looking.  And for the first time that day, Morgana forgot about the troubling message of the stars.

Chapter Two
    The ball was about to begin.  Morgana paced nervously in her large room.  Not only did she have to act perfectly, she had to deliver a speech as well!  Morgana was frantic.  She had never made a speech before.
    “I must make a good impression,” she mumbled, “for the sake of the kingdom!”
    “Are you talking to yourself, Miss?” Morgana’s personal servant, Clara, had wandered into the room.
    “I’m, uh… rehearsing my speech,” Morgana lied.  A future ruler didn’t talk to herself.  She must learn to stop.
    “I was sent to inform my lady that guests are beginning to arrive.”
    “My name is Morgana, please use it when addressing me.”  Morgana sighed as she headed towards the ballroom to greet guests.  This would be a long night.

*    *    *

    Morgana had been pleasantly surprised.  The ball had been fun, so far at least.  Everyone had told her how wonderful she looked and acted, and she had danced with a kind centaur named Thomas.  Thomas Moonwatcher was the son of one of Morgana’s father’s advisors.  And he was extraordinarily handsome.
    As Morgana was thinking about Thomas, her mother called the hoard of centaurs to attention.  “Everyone!” she called.  “My daughter, Morgana, would like to give her very first public address to you all, so let’s give her a warm reception!”
    “Here goes nothing…” Morgana thought as she approached the podium at the front of the ballroom.  “Nothing but the whole kingdom.”
    “Fellow centaurs of Peliadesia,” she began uncertainly, “I would like to welcome you all tonight.  As you all know, my father, the prime ruler of our fair Peliadesia, has been gone for many months fighting the barbaric dwarves in an effort to keep them off our beloved land.  As the stars have informed us, he will be gone for over a year, but the centaurs will emerge from the battle victorious.”  Here Morgana paused as the centaurs cheered and applauded.  “I know that we are all worried about what will happen to our kingdom in the meantime, but my mother and I will take care of it to the best of our ability.”  More cheers.  “I am, currently, no ruler.  I am unfit for the honor of protecting our nation, but I am more than willing to help my mother in the duty.  I love my land, and I assure you, I would die to protect you.”
    Morgana finished and slowly looked around.  Every centaur was looking at her, utterly transfixed.  Suddenly, Thomas burst into applause, closely followed by everyone else.  Morgana stepped down and blinked back tears of joy.  They had loved it, and she had succeeded.

Come back next week for another mind-destroying installment!



Erica said...

Ah, so wonderful. And lol chapters. I think Chapter One went on for like half my story before I realized that there should probably be a 'Chapter Two' in there somewhere.

Sylvanopolis Writers' Society said...

It's even worse than I remembered. I don't think I had any idea of how stories actually worked in those days. It was more just a vague semblance of ideas. "Oh, rebellious teenage princesses? Those are cool. Ambush after ambush? I can do that. Oh wait, there's no love interest. Better throw one in. The first love interest is boring; I think this new random character would be better." That's pretty much the entire thing. I mean, at least Bri and you were actively ripping off other stories. Mine isn't even good enough to have stolen plotlines or characters. I just took concepts I had seen in Disney movies and flattened them a bit.

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