Monday, April 26, 2010


Last night, as seems to happen every so often, I found myself wandering back to Arylle. This is always a bad idea as it inevitably makes me lose interest in whatever other characters I should be working on, but somehow knowing this never stops me. Worse yet, last night I chose the last three chapters of the book, not only renewing my infatuation with the story, but leaving me an emotional cripple as well.
What is it about this story? These people? Is it really just narcissism, since they are so much a part of me – sharing my neuroses and fears to such an extent that the book might be considered a roadmap to my soul? Is it because I grew up on them, learned to write through them, experienced so much of life while toiling to create those pages? Or is it like a high school romance that will always hold a place in your heart because it was your first?

Ultimately, it’s a story about wanting what you can’t have (or what reason says you can’t have). It’s about the fear of being alone. It’s about love. Almost everything that happens was ripped off from somewhere else or lifted from my life. Some of this is obvious (Riorac’s facial numbness), and some is more difficult to discern (the reason behind Arylle’s fear of blood). All of the characters have a little bit of me in them, plus a little bit of what I’d like to be. Perhaps that’s why they’re so dear to me?

I wrote this book because it was my favorite story in the world, but it hadn’t been written yet, so I decided that I’d take up the challenge (and if that’s not the most egotistic statement ever, I’d be surprised). I know that it will take time for Aya’s Wings to compare, even if I think that the overall quality of the story is already better. I don’t know the lines by heart yet. I don’t know the path of the story like the steps to my house. Right now, there’s a lot of fumbling and faith. But Arylle is complete (or almost complete, since everything could always use one more look through). I wonder if it would take publishing for me to finally be able to let go of her?



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